In an NPR interview, the chief of police of Seattle, Carmen Best, she said the following: "We all want the same thing. We want peace in our streets and we want everyone to be treated equally under the law."
Even though it we have so much in common as Americans, we have drawn lines in the sand; standing in opposition to each other. Black Lives Matter against the Police; Pro-Choice against Pro-Life; Republican against Democrat; Mask-wearing Science Advocates against Non Mask Wearers Fearing a Loss of Liberty.
Peter Marty, editor of The Christian Century, reminds us that as Christians we have some very important tools in our tool box for the polarities we perceive all around us.
He suggests we put down our defensiveness. As he puts it "claw marks don't set you free". We must open ourselves up enough that we can re-examine our personal assumptions and perspectives. If we are willing to listen and learn, we will learn - especially from those we fear or distrust. Jesus said, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."
He also encourages us to stop being brittle and reactive. Jesus invites us to take up our cross - essentially that means, embrace the very thing that scares the hell out of you. Face it, face yourself, and allow the grace and power of God to bring resurrection -- that's God's business.
This week, we have seen so much death. We have grieved the news of protesters killed, police killed. We are a nation living under the shadow of death. But more importantly, we are members of the kingdom of God. And that hope will never be extinguished by death. We are called to be peacemakers. May we answer the call.
I WONDER HOW THEY SEE ME
by Jeff Roorda
I wonder how they see me
Behind this shiny shield.
Do they see me for the man I am
My truest self revealed?
Do they see my blemishes and warts
The things I try to hide?
Do they comprehend the evil deeds
Of man I can’t abide?
Do you think they know, with head hung low,
The things I’ve had to see?
Do they reckon I am someone else?
My God, it’s only me!
Can they hear the distant screams I hear
Each time I close my eyes?
Can they feel the warm blood on their hands
Each time someone’s child dies?
As I’m damned with praise on darkest days
Can they perceive my pain?
Do they get I’m not immune to it
Just ‘cause I don’t complain?
Do the children of the cops I love,
Curse me for standing tall?
Emotionless with a stiff, square jaw
As past me goes the pall
Of a fallen brother carted off
To final resting place.
Life taken by the hand of the last
Demon that he faced.
And I wonder how they’ll see me when
It’s me who’s carted by.
Do you think they’ll know how hard I fought?
I didn’t want to die.
Lord, I didn’t want to leave behind
My loved ones and my kids.
I just tried to serve my fellow man
That’s really all I did.
But in the end, my loving God,
I know you’re not surprised
That It only matters how I’m seen
Through Your forgiving eyes.
In honor of fallen Police Officer Tamarris Bohannon, St Louis Metropolitan Police Department, killed in the line of duty last week (shown above). Mr. Jeff Roorda is a member of St. Paul's and works with the STLMPD Police Officers Union.
Do you ever get frustrated with yourself? I do! I have a standard for being Rebecca Ragland. It formed over years of messaging and moral development, and spiritual longing. That Rebecca is a good person. Sometimes I'm her. But sometimes I'm the "Dr. Jekyl" of myself. That side that my family knows but few other people. She often falls short of the Rebecca Gold Standard.
I suspect you know exactly what I'm talking about. So how do we move into becoming our best self? The one we long to be?
Before I answer that question, based on the wisdom of others (who also fall short), let me say, let's be sure that our Gold Standard self is God's Standard self. I say that because God is much kinder to us than we are, and because God's standard leads to happiness, contentment, and abundant life. My desire to look like a super model is supremely self-defeating.
So here are some steps to move toward the "God-Standard" for our lives:
-- Pastor Rebecca
When Trauma Blocking Gets in the Way Vanessa Watson
After a traumatic experience, it is completely natural to want to forget everything that happened to you. Doing everything humanly possible to avoid pain is one of the most natural human instincts. Unless you are a first responder, if you saw a burning building right now your natural tendency would probably be to run away, not into, the building. After a traumatic experience, the emotional toll may be so heavy that people may avoid anything that might remind them of what happened. Some people’s efforts to block residual feelings of trauma may look like adapting avoidance behavior to avoid feelings of pain, also called trauma blocking.
What is Trauma blocking? Trauma blocking is an effort to block out and overwhelm residual painful feelings due to trauma. You may ask “What does trauma blocking behavior look like?
· Trauma blocking is excessive use of social media and compulsive mindless scrolling.
· Binge drinking every weekend because you are off from work.
· Excessive and mindless eating even when you are not hungry
· Compulsive exercising to reach a goal you are never satisfied with.
· Being uncomfortable being alone resulting in staying in toxic relationships long after their expiration date.
· The feeling of being uncomfortable if you have nothing to do and the need to always have projects to do.
· Compulsive online shopping for things you do not need and going into debt.
· Becoming a workaholic and having poor boundaries at work including being available 24/7
One example of this is a client I worked with named Shanta*. Shanta grew up in a household with a parent who struggled with substance abuse. She lived in multiple homes and changed schools often as a child due to her parent’s instability. She was also sexually molested by a friend of the family and never told her parents out of the fear that they would retaliate against the abuser. Shanta was Black and did not want to involve the police and was fearful her family would also try to harm the person who molested her.
What did Shanta do to cope with and dull the pain of her trauma? She turned to what was most available to her—food. Food became her comfort. Food was always there and was one of the few things in her life she had control over. Her parents allowed her to go to the store for them, and she always got extra money to buy some junk food for herself. Those trips to the store as a child evolved into compulsive eating, resulting in Shanta becoming overweight. This had an added dividend, she felt being overweight made her less visible and desirable to men.
Shanta, like many survivors, blocked her pain. Survivors often block their pain with things that are the most accessible to them. Besides food, alcohol can be a trauma blocking tool. One of the leading factors for relapse of people struggling with alcohol addiction is that as they get sober, the memories they have been using alcohol to avoid come racing back. Alcoholism becomes a solution to the trauma and over time, more alcohol is needed to dull the pain.
Trauma blocking behaviors induce calming, relaxing, and numbing that create reactions in the brain that serve as a pain reliever. For the trauma survivor, this means numbing the pain to feel free from pain. The problem is the brain will adjust and the compulsive behavior will become necessary to continue in order to avoid feeling pain.
Trauma blocking behaviors may feel like they’re working at the moment because some of the efforts can be very rewarding. The painkillers like designer bags, exotic pre-COVID-19 vacations, and luxury vehicles people acquire from receiving bonuses for crushing work goals can be great. The outcome of being a high achiever at work to avoid coping with the pain of trauma can be very rewarding … momentarily. The gratification of that achievement is only momentary because it is a coping mechanism to avoid pain. This is why many people who use work to avoid the feelings beneath the trauma often find themselves perpetually unhappy in search of the next big project or promotion.
Despite everything one may do to block the trauma, the body and mind will continue to process what has happened even with all of the attempts to block the pain. In the absence of deliberate reflections, this may look like having flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and intrusive thoughts, which is the body’s way of trying to work through and process the trauma that you are blocking.
All of this is not easy by any means. Survivors of trauma use blocking techniques to soothe long-standing pain. Awareness is the first step to addressing trauma blocking—examining the ways trauma blocking negatively impacts your life. Keeping a log to help notice what is happening before engaging in blocking activities is a helpful way to begin the path towards awareness and changed behavior. Once awareness is gained, people can create a plan involving healthier ways to self soothe.
Having a plan in advance is very important to help stop trauma blocking behaviors. One example may be, “I will listen to a guided meditation when I am tempted to respond to a non-emergency work email.” Also reflecting upon the price you may pay by continuing avoiding dealing with pain through trauma blocking long-term. Consider courageously and gently starting the path of confronting what has happened to you by finally confronting patterns of trauma blocking behavior. Because this work is not easy, consider working with a licensed therapist who uses a trauma-informed approach.
*For the purposes of maintaining confidentiality, names and identifying information have been changed. Their stories and experiences are real.
Vanessa Watson is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who specializes in providing therapy to individuals and couples in New Jersey who are a part of the often-forgotten Generation X. Vanessa is a John Hartford National Leader in Aging Fellow, Clinical Supervisor, Level One Trained Gottman Method Couples Therapist, and EMDR Trauma Therapist. Vanessa is passionate about helping Gen Xers with the special challenges they face including caregiving for older relatives, parenting young children, relationship issues, and the many life transitions that occur in midlife.
While we were on vacation, my oldest son, Wes, decided to take a fishing boat out on the lake. The vessel had a little electric powered engine. He had an easy time getting out on the lake, but then the wind came up. Much as he tried to get back to dock, the boat didn't have enough power and he had no oars. We all had a good laugh watching the rescue operation as Scott rode in a kayak with two extra sets of oars tucked in it. (shown below) Then two of them rowed back in the boat with a kayak sticking up in the boat. The wind was strong enough to require the power of 2 men to get back to shore.
Later, on the way home from visiting a quaint little town on Lake Superior, we had another wind encounter. This time, we hit the eastern front of a severe thunderstorm. In seconds, our little Prius was buffeted and pushed off the road. We couldn't see a thing. The closest way to describe it was a natural version of a drive through a car wash. But worse! We all survived and lived to marvel at the power of that storm.
Wind is like that. It caresses and it careens us. It soothes and it ravages. And yet, Jesus names the Holy Spirit as wind, breath, an invisible blowing force in our lives.
At Pentecost (Acts 2:2) the arrival of the Holy Spirit was described this way: And suddenly there came from heaven a noise like a violent rushing wind, and it filled the whole house where they were sitting. The whole house was filled. Not just the disciples and followers of Jesus. Everywhere was filled, even the back closet where the old linens had rested for months. The dust lifted and the world changed.
I don't know what deep meaning we can pull from this. I only know that taming the wind is impossible. And taming the Spirit of God is also impossible. God's ways are better than ours, even in the howling midst of the storm. That is is enough. May we choose to believe that change is a part of the Spirit's work. May we trust.
-- Pastor Rebecca
So much in our world is going wrong that it's hard to remember to celebrate what's going right. For months now, we seem to be circling around a downward spiral of bad possibilities. We've been separated from our familiar work, social, and worship life.
And yet, in spite of it all, there are a lot of things to celebrate. This marathon doesn't look like it will be over anytime soon. Yet, powerful and positive things are still happening. Have you tried to make a list of your top 10 good things? Things you are grateful for right now? I've done one here for St. Paul's. See what you think:
--- Pastor Rebecca
Rector's Corner posts written by Pastor Rebecca.